


Already Winning

by fiveyaaas



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: F/M, Humor, Rated m for sexual humor but there’s no smut, Sexual Humor, Side horrance and alluther, five is the same age as them and ben is not dead, if you’re looking for a complex plot look elsewhere, no i will not explain this, this fic is chaotic, this was just based off a discussion on how they’d react to not having powers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:02:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25714735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveyaaas/pseuds/fiveyaaas
Summary: Vanya and Allison are tired of the toxic masculinity problem in their house that has been worsened by powers. Their solution? Rumor them for a day to not have any powers.They don’t succeed in fixing the problem, but they do get to hear Klaus’s plans for Love on Loan 3.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves
Comments: 22
Kudos: 211





	Already Winning

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ImperfectStorm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImperfectStorm/gifts).



> This was just a small fic I wrote after a discussion on discord on which of the seven would struggle most without powers. There are references to smut but there’s not actually smut in it.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Allison said, gesturing vaguely in the direction of where Luther and Diego were arguing. 

“Do you remember that time when we were eleven?” Vanya asked. “And they convinced you to rumor all of them to not have powers for a day to see who’d last the longest without powers?”

“When Five hit his head trying to hop onto the counter and fell off?” 

“Yeah,” Vanya remembered. “Well, anyways, I think we could convince them to do it again, but, this time, it would be an exercise in getting Luther and Diego to stop arguing and Five to stop condescending.”

“Five wouldn’t stop condescending people,” Allison argued. 

“I could at least get him to paint the walls though! Ever since Five and I started sharing a room, those equations feel more ominous.”

Vanya and Allison sighed as Five joined in on Luther and Diego’s argument. It had started after one of them made a petty remark, and somehow it escalated into “you couldn’t even do anything if you didn’t have powers.” It was currently escalating into “Diego and Luther stop being idiots” which would inevitably end in all three of them being idiots and likely breaking something. 

Allison shot a glance at Vanya, and Vanya caught onto it quickly, trying to convey with her own features that she agreed to what Allison wanted. They had over a long period of time become good friends, sharing exasperated looks to one another during meals and talking to one another about their complicated love lives. Vanya had never had any friends that were girls growing up for obvious reasons, and she found it nice to have someone to talk to other than Five sometimes. 

Vanya walked over to where the three of them were arguing. Ben and Klaus were likely in one of their rooms, which kept this from being overly chaotic. 

Vanya settled a hand on Five’s forearm, running a finger over his tattoo. He stopped yelling at Luther and Diego to glance down at her. “What?” he asked, just a touch more patient than he would have if it had been anyone else.

“Are you sure  _ you  _ could even last without powers?” Vanya blinked up at him, entirely innocent. Five’s eye twitched and Luther and Diego held their breath for Five to start yelling at her. 

He didn’t, but he did tell her, “I would last perfectly fine without them, but the point still remains that Diego and Luther are acting like morons.”

“I know I could last without powers,” Vanya mused. “Allison too. I don’t think any of you three would be able too though.” 

“Please,” Diego griped. “I would do great. I don’t need them.”

“Oh, really?” Vanya challenged. 

“Prove it,” Allison added. 

Which is how they got to where they all gathered on the couches, laying out the rules. They would all be rumored for 24 hours to not use their powers. Vanya would be the judge of who handled it best and Allison would make all the rules. Ben and Klaus asked why they were even doing this, and Vanya explained that this was an exercise in fixing the “clear problems with toxic masculinity in this house” which Ben and Klaus quickly agreed with. 

“No special treatment can be given, Vanya,” Five reminded her. 

She snorted, “No problem.”

Allison made sure everyone was clear in what they were agreeing to before rumoring them one at a time. 

Five already looked annoyed, not even able to summon up the blue tendrils of energy in his hands. On the opposite end of the spectrum though, Ben and Klaus were grinning at each other. 

“You feel amazing too, right?” Ben asked. “I have never felt this good in my life.”

“I feel great,” Klaus said. “The loud old lady ghost who kept ranting about Five and Vanya being improper is  _ gone. _ ”

Vanya frowned. “Why did she say  _ that _ ?”

“You already know the answer to that,” Klaus told her with a wink. 

“You  _ know  _ about that? How did she even-“

“I think you  _ all  _ have forgotten that  _ my  _ power is achievable in many regards by everybody, that I have the ability to do something that takes  _ skill _ , not inherent gifts,” Diego announced boldly.

Now, Vanya was aware that Diego did not aim for her, and that he was just going for somewhere behind her head. Nonetheless, she screamed as a knife sailed towards her, Five launched himself forward before tripping and seeming to break his ankle, and Vanya quickly moved the knife with her mind to fall sharply to the floor. 

“New rule,” Vanya said, panting. “No knives used for the next twenty four hours.”

They all agreed guiltily, and she glanced down at Five. “Did you seriously think that you would be okay to spatial jump when you were rumored not to?”

“If Diego affected my ability to even walk, I’m gonna kill him.”

Vanya rolled her eyes, crouching down next to him and turning him over. He was heavier to move in the thirty-something body. He hadn’t broken his ankle, but he had landed on something sharp and had a huge cut on his leg. “ _ Who left a knife on the floor again? _ ”

“That’s it,” Allison snapped. “We are going to make this house safe enough that a baby could walk around here without getting hurt.”

“That’s probably for the best considering Five and Vanya are so bad about using condoms,” Klaus said. 

“Klaus, I  _ still _ have my powers, and if you keep talking about Five and I’s sex life, I swear that I will go White Violin on your ass.” 

“According to Muriel the ghost, you already have with Five,” Klaus started, and Five quickly got between them, not wanting the mansion to go into flames. 

“Klaus, kindly  _ fuck off _ .”

“Alright, before we do anything, every single one of you is finding weapons around the house and putting them in safe places,” Allison announced. “Vanya and I will assist, but we expect this place to be  _ safe  _ in the next two hours. Also, Five, for the love of God, wear a condom.” 

They all grumpily agreed, and Vanya and Allison grinned at each other. Vanya and Allison did all of the chores they had been putting off while the guys (sans Klaus and Ben) started making the place actually relatively safe to live in.

Vanya frowned over at Five when he ran into a wall a fourth time, “Do you have a hatred of doors?” Five made a face, narrowly avoiding running into another one. 

“He won’t last the full twenty four hours,” Vanya told Allison. “How’s Luther holding up by the way?”

Allison shrugged, “I think he’ll last fine, he still has the strength of anybody his size, so he’s not exactly completely missing his powers.”

Ben and Klaus walked out of the kitchen holding almost all of the snacks in their hands and heading off in the direction of Ben’s room. 

“You guys seem to be having a nice time,” Vanya called over. 

“We are, for the first time, unburdened by our powers,” Klaus yelled. “We are going to have a nice, long date that ends in the ghosts way more grossed out than that assassin-and-victim-begging-for-her-life-with-pussy roleplay situation-“

“You guys are going to lose this,” Five interrupted, glaring at them. Vanya was secretly grateful he did.

“We don’t have powers today,” Ben beamed. 

“Baby, we’re already  _ winning _ ,” Klaus added, and the two of them left Five, still scowling. 

“Is anybody going to mention that roleplay?” Allison asked, and Five and Vanya both made an equally annoyed face at her. 

Pretty soon, the mansion was safe, or at least safe enough, and they all gathered together again for the next task. 

“Allison and I have decided that each of you need a situation where you are at a direct disadvantage and have to not be a dick about it,” Vanya told them. “Meaning, Five you can’t be condescending and just blink away somewhere else, Luther cannot try to lead when people are clearly doing something wrong, and Diego can’t yell at anyone or make bitchy comments.”

“What about Ben and Klaus?” Luther argued. “Aren’t they involved in this?”

“Their toxic masculinity is way less concerning here.”

All three of them groaned, realizing that Vanya and Allison had effectively done this entire experiment as a team building exercise. 

“Our next challenge is that you will all have to listen to Klaus speak for forty five minutes without interrupting him. Luther is not allowed to micromanage, Five is not allowed to leave the room, and Diego can’t be bitchy.” 

“That’s setting the bar low for Five,” Diego argued. 

“Is it?”

“Vanya, please don’t make this happen,” Five implored. “We’ve learned our lesson, we’ll be nicer, I promise.”

“Didn’t you say no special treatment?”

“But I want special treatment!”

Klaus walked in, Ben trailing behind him with what appeared to be a tri-fold display. Five appeared to be trying to teleport away, with no success. 

“I bet you’re wondering why I’ve gathered you all here,” Klaus started, setting the tri-fold up so all could see. 

“You didn’t gather us here.”

“Vanya, please take note that a bitchy comment was uttered.”

“Now,” Klaus said, pointing to the title. “I have decided that I am going to write the screenplay we’ve all been waiting for…. Ben, drumroll, please…”

Ben obliged, and Five rolled his eyes. 

“Love On Loan 3! Starring Klaus and Allison Hargreeves. Not as love interests, though, no offense to Allison, but I’m trying to get a sex scene with Antonio Banderas.”

“Isn’t the “Love on Loan” franchise PG-13?” Five asked. 

“Glad you’re so fascinated, Number Five. This interpretation will of course be NC-17.”

“So… porn.”

“Obviously.”

Five glanced over at Allison. “Rumor me back, I can’t take this.” 

“He doesn’t mean it,” Vanya interrupted, sitting down next to him. He sighed loudly, pulling her onto his lap. 

“I think Five is very interested in this interpretation,” Vanya told Klaus. “Please tell us more!”

“Well, obviously, there will be an orgy-“

“What good movie doesn’t have one? Right, Five?”

“I want a divorce.”

“We’re not married.”

“I want to marry you so that we can get divorced.”

“I’m thinking at least eight dance numbers,” Klaus continued. 

“Seven just wouldn’t be enough,” Vanya nodded.

“Weird that you mention that, there will be  _ exactly  _ seven people in the orgy sequence!”

“Klaus, I swear to God, stop trying to make a porno version of us, it’s never going to happen,” Diego snapped. 

“And that’s two bitchy comments, now,” Klaus said, gesturing to Vanya to write that down. “Luther might win this competition yet. Luther, do you have any questions here?”

“Uh… who do you want to cast? I’m not questioning your judgement, but-“

“Oh, well, that’s the best part! See, since we’re already a house of celebrities-“

Five yanked Vanya off the couch, dragging her away. 

“Five has lost!” she yelled helpfully to them.

“Wear a condom!” 

Vanya smirked before realizing that Five had locked them inside of a closet.

“Why didn’t you just take us to our room?”

“I couldn’t blink us there,” Five explained. “And stairs are the worst.”

Vanya giggled. “You’re aware you’ve completely lost?”

“Oh, no,” he said. “I’m already winning.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!!


End file.
